


Dream a Little Dream

by JustMeJustMeJustMe



Category: Holby City
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-08-25 16:13:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16664002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustMeJustMeJustMe/pseuds/JustMeJustMeJustMe
Summary: Jac / Fletch starts at the end of the last episode.





	1. Chapter 1

Dream a Little Dream 

Six months. Six months she’d had to sit by and watch him date somebody else. Six long months. When he’d first told her about the blind date Essie was setting up for him they’d laughed together about how awful it was going to be. It had never even crossed her mind for a second that a single blind date would turn into a serious relationship for him. She’d been jealous when he’d told her but had decided that she had no right to be. Being just friends had been her choice and she was resolute in her resolve that it was the right decision. 

The first pang of fear hit her the next morning when he’d come to work and had told her that the date hadn’t been awful, that that’d actually hit it off. He’d enjoyed himself. She’d silently cursed Essie for knowing him so well and for setting him up with someone he could actually like. She’d told herself over the next few weeks as he’d continued to date this woman who’s name she’d discovered was Danielle, that it wouldn’t last. He was only seeing her casually and it was highly unlikely that a serious relationship would develop. She’d been doing well tapering down her feelings and things had continued relatively normally. He didn’t talk about Danielle often so it was easy to ignore the fact that he was seeing someone. Denial at its finest she acknowledged. 

Her ability to ignore Danielle began to get decidedly more difficult around the three month mark. She’d overheard him ask Petrenko if he should buy her a gift or whether dinner somewhere nice was more appropriate. It hit her then that he’d been seeing someone else for three months. This woman was now firmly in his life and she could no longer deny it. He was no longer just dating someone he had a girlfriend. The thought had made her feel physically sick. She’d disappeared into theatre for a number hours to complete a bypass, her brain grateful for the reprieve from her own thoughts. Later that night though she’d awoken to a sound she recognised, a heart monitor. It’s steady but fast beeps ringing loudly in her ears. She’d sat up and the sound had slowly dissipated. She was alone in her bedroom her heart beating wildly, anxiety washing over her. He was falling in love. Not with her but with someone else. Her heart lurched in a way that caused physical pain. She should have known he’d move on. It was pretty much a given. She just hadn’t expected him to move on so soon. It had only been five months since she’d kissed him and now he was already three months deep into a new relationship. 

She’d done her best to carry on and be a friend to him. Their friendship was still friendly, fun and filled with banter but she’d noticed his slow withdrawal from her. Over the next three months she watched him physically withdraw from her. There was no more fleeting touches, no more lingering eye contact and no more physical affection. He’d firmly friend zoned her, was in love with Danielle and was clearly moving on while she was stuck. She still loved him. A situation that she acknowledges is one of her own making and now she has to watch while he makes room for Danielle in his home and in his life. A place she wanted but hadn’t allowed herself to have. She accepts that she is going to have to live with her decision and be as happy for him as she possibly can. It had taken her an hour to fall back to sleep. 

She’d walked into work the next day resolved and totally determined to be happy for him. It’d lasted about an hour till she’d heard him speaking on the phone to Danielle about a problem with Ella. It dawned on her then that he’d stopped coming to her for advice about his kids and Steven. She had no idea what they’d been up to lately or what he had planned for them for the summer holidays. He had someone else to share his life with, and now she was becoming redundant. She knows it’s not purposeful on his part, he just has someone else to discuss things with. Their previous closeness was slowly being eroded. She wishes they’d break up even though the last thing she wants is for him to be hurt. She just wants something, anything to stop the pain she’s feeling right now.

She manages to find some peace over the next few months after firmly deciding it’s time for her to move on too. She’d even Googled ‘How to get over someone’. She had been making a genuine effort to talk to him about his life and share some of hers, not willing to totally let him go even though every website she’d visited had advised minimal contact. She feels a bit better when he opens up easily and tells her his concerns and hopes for Evie’s upcoming GCSE exams. 

Her world is totally shattered when he comes in on a Monday morning and announces that he and Danielle got engaged over the weekend. It feels like a dream or maybe a nightmare and she doesn’t hear a single further word he says. The world around her feels distorted and blurry and she can’t really comprehend what is happening. She can hear a heart monitor again distant but clear. Steady but fast beeps filling her ears. She can almost feel something holding her hand. It takes a few moments but the ward slowly comes back into view and she watches Petrenko smile broadly at him and hug him tightly to offer him congratulations. She smiles at him briefly and heads towards her office without a saying a word. She hasn’t quite made it to her office when she feels an electric current pulse through her body and she steels herself by holding on to the nearest wall, an uncontrollable gasp taking hold and wracking through her entire body. 

That night she lays awake staring at the ceiling wishing she could go back to that day in her office when she’d kissed him and change the outcome. She runs through a few scenario’s in her head and wishes she’d made a different choice. She wants to cry but her eyes remain dry and sore. 

Weeks pass and before she knows it it’s the Thursday before the wedding and that means in two days she’ll have to watch Fletch get married. She’d decided yesterday that tomorrow night she is going to tell him Emma has suddenly come down with an illness and that it’s looking like she won’t be able to attend. She knows she is capable of doing and being many things, replacing heart valves, saving lives, being a mother. The one thing she isn’t able to do is watch someone she’s in love with marry someone else. She truly now understands why they call it heartache. It’s physical manifestation is actually painful and she hurts all over. There’s a heavy weight around her heart that she isn’t able to shift. She’d been sat in her office for hours going over various excuses for her non attendance to his wedding. She gets up grabs her belongings and heads for the door. The ward is mostly dark, a few scattered lights subtly lighting the ward. She spots Fletch clearing a few files around the nurses station his back to her, and she cannot stop the flood of longing that surges through her. She stands dead still her eyes firmly fixed on him. She knows if anyone saw her now they’d see everything she’d tried so hard to hide. She can feel every emotion and is frozen to the spot. She couldn’t draw her eyes away from him right now even if she wanted too. He must feel her presence because he turns around and spots her, eyes locking on to hers almost immediately. She wants to mask her emotions but it’s too late, he’s seen it. 

He like her is suddenly frozen, clearly captivated by the emotions she’s letting him see. 

“Are you okay?” 

“You’re going to be okay.” 

She hears Fletch’s voice saying two things simultaneously. She doesn’t know which one is real. 

“What?” She asks confusion taking hold of her. 

“Are you okay?” He asks again. This time a sad expression crosses his features and he breaks eye contact with her and she knows it’s over. He has chosen someone else. He doesn’t want her anymore. The regret she feels is like nothing she has ever experienced before. She knows she blew it. She knows this is her mistake, her fault. She gasps and sees his lips move as if he is saying something but she can’t hear him. It’s like her ears are muffled with cotton wool. The room starts to spin and blur and she can’t see straight, can’t focus on his face. The world distorts and she wonders if she’s gonna die of a broken heart. She can feel pain, her heart hurts, her arm hurts and her head is pounding. 

Her eyes open and she sees a hospital room. Darwin! She doesn’t understand why she’s suddenly somewhere else. She becomes aware of a hand in hers and moves her eyes to find the source. Fletch. 

His hand is gripping hers while he sleeps in a chair next to her bed. She squeezes his hand as hard as she can and his eyes immediately open. A smile forming on his face immediately and a sigh of relief passes his lips. 

“You’ve been out of it for a week. Everyone has been so worried.” He tells her. He is practically beaming now. “You’re going to okay.” He continues. His hand stroking hers with his thumb. 

“I love you.” It doesn’t even sound like her own voice. It’s hoarse and barely a whisper but she needed to say it before the pull of sleep claims her once again. She doesn’t know what day it is or what time it is, only that he is there and that it was just a dream. 

Her eyelids are so heavy, she knows she isn’t going to be awake for long, seconds at most but she fights to stay awake. Fights to continue to feel him holding her hand.


	2. 2

She’d been in and out of it for the last few days. Only conscious for brief periods before she’s overcome with the need to sleep. She assumes the drugs that they are pumping her full of are keeping her pretty much sedated. She distinctly remembers telling Fletch that she loves him and is briefly overcome with panic. She remembers the subtle flash of shock that had crossed his face before her eyes had closed of their own free will despite her best efforts to stay awake. She’d awoken a few times after that to find various people in her room visiting. Sacha had been in at least twice that she could recall, holding her hand and telling her that Emma was perfectly fine and being well taken care of. Serena and Ric had been in to check up on her too. She’d heard Nicky giving them an update of her condition, something about surgery and her heart, but the words had muddled together and she’d drifted off before her brain could piece together what had happened to her. She was briefly aware of Fletch being in the room more than a few times but she hadn’t been able to open her eyes for longer than a few seconds at a time. When she’d awoken again to find Mo sitting in the chair by her bed that had surprised her. Mo had explained that she’d had pretty major surgery and that she should rest up. Darwin was being looked after, that she didn’t need to worry. She’d gripped her friends hand before succumbing to sleep again. She was alive and safe but starting to feel frustrated. She wanted to stay awake, she wanted to know what had happened, she wanted to see Emma and she needed to see Fletch. 

They must be slowly weaning her off the drugs because the next day she manages to stay awake for longer periods. Sacha brings Emma into see her and she’s filled with relief that she is here and able to cuddle her again. She doesn’t let her out of her arms until Sacha sees her starting to wane and promises Emma they can come back later today for another visit. Shortly after Sacha and Emma leave just as she’s about to doze off, Fletch and Petrenko enter the room but not for a social call. 

“Good morning sunshine. Time for your obs.” Fletch tells her grinning. She can tell he is relieved to see her improvement but she’s tired and wants nothing more than to fall asleep. 

She groans in response but offers him her right arm anyway. A few seconds later and the blood pressure machine is squeezing her arm while Petrenko is checking her wound, IV’s and medication. She hates being poked and prodded but she hasn’t got the energy to fight today; maybe tomorrow she’d give them more of a hard time. She smiles briefly at the thought. 

Clearly satisfied that she’s still alive they finish their obs and Petrenko puts her medical file back in the slot at the end of her bed. She watches as Petrenko walks out of the room offering her a quick smile and a nod as she leaves. 

“Yell if you need anything.” Petrenko throws over her shoulder moving swiftly onto the next patient. 

Fletch lingers almost nervously by the end of her bed, she watches his hands fidget by his sides. The view of him fills her with a level of affection she’d not felt towards him before. Her head tilts to the side involuntarily and she can’t stop the beginnings of a smile forming on her face. 

“I’ll er…come by later okay?” He tells her softly and she’s a little disappointed. This is the first time they’ve been alone since she’s been properly awake and she’s actually surprised he is keeping his distance. She wants to get up and hug him, kiss him and tell him she made a mistake but she doesn’t, she knows she’s too weak to get out of bed right now. She sighs and nods at him instead. 

She sleeps for a few hours until Sacha returns with Emma as promised. He lets down the left rail and uses the control to lift the top of the bed into a sitting position. Once he sure she is comfortable he places Emma on the bed next to her then sits down himself. He grips her thigh tightly as Emma snuggles into her side. 

“How you feeling?” He asks her with a smile. 

“I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus Sacha.” She tells him and he chuckles softly. 

She wraps her arms around Emma and kisses her forehead softly. 

“Thank you for taking such good care of Emma.” She tells him and she can hear the gratitude in her own voice. 

“It wasn’t just me Jac. Fletch and I have had the privilege of taking care of this little one here but it’s my turn tonight so we are going to go and grab something tasty to eat and watch a film together at home.” 

“Frozen.” Emma yells and both she and Sacha grimace. She’s seen it herself at least a hundred times and she doesn’t envy him for it. 

“Again?” He questions Emma almost disbelievingly. Emma nods her head at him like it’s the most obvious answer in the world. 

She raises her eyebrows at him and laughs. She can only guess how many times in the last two weeks Emma’s made him watch it. She squeezes his arm in sympathy. They stay for a another hour until they hear Emma’s belly start to rumble and realise it’s way past her usual dinner time. 

Once they’ve gone she thinks about how much Fletch and Sacha have done for her. They’ve clearly been sharing the duty of looking after her daughter for the last two weeks even though they both have enough responsibilities of their own. Fletch hadn’t even mentioned it to her. She knows from experience how tough it can be and hadn’t even realised that Sacha would need help. She’d automatically assumed he’d taken care of her alone. She manages herself but she usually has a nanny, Jonny, the crèche and the odd babysitter when required. Even though Jonny is temporarily absent she knows he’ll be back to resume his fatherly duties as soon as possible. Sacha like her works shifts, including nights and weekends so she should have known he’d need a hand or someone to share the responsibility with. She makes a mental note to thank Fletch too when she sees him. 

She’s still not quite sure what has transpired while she was basically asleep for two weeks but she figures someone will tell her eventually and right now she has Emma to think about. She leaves her bed in the upright position but still finds herself nodding off again just minutes after Emma and Sacha’s departure. 

When she wakes again the ward is dark and the moon is lighting her room with a soft white glow. Fletch is moving around the room pulling the blood pressure machine closer to her bed. He hears her movement and casts a quick glance in her direction. 

“Sorry I didn’t mean to wake you.” He tells her softly almost a whisper. 

“That’s okay.” She whispers back. She’s just glad to see him again. She watches him move around the room and doesn’t even care that he is here to poke and prod her again. 

The left rail of her bed is still down so when he finally approaches her bed she shifts slightly to the right to make some room and gestures with her hands for him to sit next to her. He does and her eyes are instantly drawn to his and she holds his gaze. She can feel his hip in contact with hers, can feel his warmth even through the covers. He moves and wraps the blood pressure cuff around the top of her arm without breaking eye contact. The darkness makes the situation feel intimate despite the fact that she’s in a hospital bed wearing a ridiculous hospital gown. She feels the urge to kiss him and her eyes dart to his lips at the thought. He chooses just then to look towards the blood pressure machine and hit the start button. A loud whirring sound fills the room as the machine slowly starts to squeeze her arm. 

She thinks his quietness is unusual but she doesn’t question him on it. She instead uses the time to study his face while he is busy watching the monitor. She can see he is tired, exhausted even. She reaches out to him and touches him softly on the arm. He seems surprised by the contact and looks towards her as if asking for an explanation. His gaze immediately softens when he sees her concern. She leans into him then dragging the IV lines and blood pressure machine with her. Her head falls onto his shoulder and she can feel him re-arranging her lines while she wraps her arms around him shuffling as close to him as her position allows. Ever the nurse he doesn’t settle until he is sure she isn’t going dislodge anything. She waits and wonders if he is ever going to hug her back but then she feels his arm encircle her around the waist. She feels him sigh into her neck and the warm breath against her skin causes a shiver to run through her. She grips him tighter and is pleased when he does the same. After a short time she pulls back to look at him again. They are only centimetres apart, she could easily pull him into a kiss, but instead she holds his gaze and watches as a mix of emotions flicker through his eyes. His eyes suddenly dart to her lips and she feels her heart race in anticipation. He suddenly shakes his head and pulls away from her. Gently tugs the cuff off her arm and pushes the blood pressure machine away from her bed. He gets up then. 

“I’ve gotta go the kids are expecting me.” He tells her unwilling to make eye contact, looking anywhere but at her. He is out of the room in less than a minute. 

She acknowledges that he doesn’t seem willing to kiss her again, she doesn’t really blame him after what happened the last time and it’s not like she’s been able to tell him that she’s changed her mind. He has probably assumed her ‘I love you’ was drug or coma induced. The fact he hasn’t mentioned it is telling. If her dream taught her anything it’s that she doesn’t want him to move on from her, doesn’t want him to date anyone else. She wants him. She realises it’s up to her. She’s going to have to be the one the make the moves. If only she could find the words. 

She settles back into the bed and closes her eyes.


	3. 3

She wakes up early the next morning and she’s in pain. Her chest hurts, her wound burns, her arm is aching where the IV line is positioned and she feels sore. She wonders if they’d tapered down her morphine too quickly. Yesterday she’d felt like she’d been hit by a bus, today she feels like she’d been hit by the bus but then had to endure ten rounds against Mike Tyson. She expected post operative soreness but this just hurts. She presses the buzzer next to her bed and waits for someone, anyone to come and relieve her suffering. 

Fletch walks into her room just a few minutes later and she’s surprised he is here so early considering how late he worked last night. He must notice the grimace she is sporting and immediately offers her pain relief. 

“Hanssen called the ward an hour ago and said he was coming down to talk to you in a bit.” Fletch tells her as he picks up a morphine filled syringe. He walks towards her and lifts the sleeve of her hospital gown to administer the injection in the top of her arm. She flinches slightly as she feels the needles sting. She feels his hand linger on her longer than necessary but it eventually pulls away and he tells her to try and get some rest before leaving the room. 

Hanssen visits her shortly after and fills her in on the details of Gaskell’s demise. He tells her that Gaskell had murdered Roxanna and had attempted to murder her too. He’d poisoned her in her hospital bed while she lay unconscious and totally defenseless. She’d seen Hanssen’s guilt as clear as day and knew immediately that he felt responsible, but she can only muster the strength to blame herself. She’d been the one who’d put her life in his hands despite the fact that she’d known he was unstable. Despite the warnings from Dr Chowdury and Sacha and despite Fletch’s plea for her to change her mind. She’d nearly left Emma motherless due to her own desperation and determination to have the neo-conduit removed from her body. Ironically her need to stay alive for Emma had nearly brought about her death. She somehow manages to tell Hanssen that it’s not his fault. That she doesn’t blame him at all. Gaskell was solely responsible for his actions just as she was for her own. He’d told her Mo and Guy Self had saved her life. She hadn’t realised until now just how close she’d come to dying. She isn’t surprised that they’d waited to give her this information, had purposefully withheld it until they thought she was strong enough to handle it, or at least until they were certain that she would survive. 

After Hanssen leaves she wonders if he’ll manage to cope. Two of the closest people in his life had turned out to be lunatics. His son and his almost life long friend. Both of whom had tried to kill her and had succeeded in killing others. She feels defeated and lost. Imagines that Hanssen must be feeling something pretty similar or most likely something worse. 

She lays down in her bed, the morphine she’d had earlier finally fully kicking in. It’s sedative effects taking hold. Her eyes start to feel heavy but sleep doesn’t take her. She just lies there spaced out. She hears the door to her room open and Fletch walks to the side of her bed and sits in the chair, obviously already aware of the news she’d just been told. She feels almost irritated that he had kept it from her. She’s not sure why, she knows if she’d have been in his position she’d have done the same, but she’s irritated nonetheless. 

“I’ve got fifteen minutes so I can sit with you for a bit.” He tells her softly, his voice filled with sympathy. 

“I’m fine.” She tells him, it’s harsh and abrupt but she doesn’t care. “Go back to work.” 

He ignores her and instead reaches out to grasp her hand in his own, interlocking their fingers firmly. He doesn’t say anything further and she doesn’t have the will nor the strength to pull her hand away. She closes her eyes so she can ignore his presence. She falls asleep and doesn’t wake until nearly lunch time. 

She’s still in pain and her emotional turmoil has racked up a notch. She doesn’t eat the lunch that a nurse she doesn’t know puts in front of her. Fletch and Petrenko are obviously concerned and their hovering is bordering on annoying. She keeps seeing them watching her through her rooms window, constantly checking on her every time they pass. She turns over on to her other side so she has her back to the window. She picks up her phone and texts Sacha to tell him not to bring Emma down today. She doesn’t want her to see her pain or pick up on her newly found foul mood. He texts back quickly telling her he’d pass the message onto Fletch as he would be picking her up today at 4pm instead of him as he was working a late shift. She feels a rush of guilt, Fletch’s early shift clearly purposefully coordinated in order to allow him to care for Emma in Sacha’s absence. She had even forgotten to thank him last night for taking care of her. 

She doesn’t see Fletch again for the rest of the day and when he doesn’t show up with Emma after his shift has finished she assumes Sacha had passed on the message. She spends the rest of the day reeling about Gaskell, thinking about Roxanna and sleeping when she can no longer keep herself awake. 

It’s late when she hears the door to her room open. A nurse had been in a while ago to do her obs and it’s well past visiting hours so she has no idea who would be coming into her room this late at night. She glances towards the door quickly and sees Fletch enter the room. She’s not sure if he saw her move and she wonders if she can get away with pretending to be asleep. She closes her eyes and tries to control her breathing. She can hear his soft footsteps approaching the bed. 

He lowers the bed rail as soon as he reaches her and sits next to her. Rubs her back a few times and when she doesn’t respond to him he gently pulls on her shoulder to encourage her to turn over. He obviously knows she’s awake, and the urge to give in to him is strong so she decides not to resist. She rolls over and offers him a glare as a way of a greeting. He doesn’t even flinch and smiles back at her. She rolls her eyes and accepts that her glare doesn’t work on him, hasn’t worked on him for a long time. He seems to have developed an immunity to it. 

“What are you doing here?” She asks him unsure of why he’s come back so late to visit her. “Aren’t you supposed to be looking after the kids?” Her tone turns almost accusatory and she feels a stab of regret at her own words, but he ignores that too and reaches over her to grab the remote to the bed. 

“The kids are asleep. Evie’s keeping an eye out for them and Steven is there if she needs a hand.” He responds without even a hint of anger or annoyance and she doesn’t know how he does it. 

He eyes her with the remote firmly in his hand and she nods her agreement for him to lift the top of the bed so she can sit up. The bed raises and she realizes how close to him it’s pushed her. He still has one hand on the bed over her legs and his face is mere centimeters from hers. She can smell his shower gel or aftershave. It’s fresh and clean and she assumes he’d showered before he came back. She likes the smell and lets it fill her senses for a few moments. It’s familiar, warm and oddly comforting. He must notice their sudden closeness then as he shuffles back a few inches to give her a bit more space. When she looks up she’s captured by his eyes and loses herself in them for what feels like minutes before he speaks again. 

“None of this was your fault.” He tells her in a whisper and she can’t believe he’d come all the way back to work to tell her exactly what she needed to hear. 

She grabs the front of his shirt and pulls him the short distance towards her so she can kiss his lips quickly. It’s basically a peck and she pulls back just as fast to see he is taken aback by her action. 

“Jac.” The use of her name is a warning but she notices a slight hitch to it so she closes the space between them again and brushes her lips over his softly. When he doesn’t pull away she kisses him more firmly. She pulls back again and she watches his eyes and face carefully for his reaction but she isn’t able to get a read on him, she can’t tell what he is thinking at all. He’d kissed her back immediately the first time in her office, but she understands his hesitancy now. 

“Jac your on so many drugs right n….” the end of his sentence is lost as she kisses him again. She would almost swear he kisses her back a bit this time. She’s almost certain she’d felt his lips move against her own. Almost isn’t quite good enough though. She wants more than almost. She pulls back and this time he stays silent. She can see the questions in his eyes and he is clearly fighting his desire to ask them. She holds his eyes with her own for a few moments before slowly lowering her gaze to his lips to indicate her desire to kiss him again. She focuses her eyes back on his and when he doesn’t say anything to stop her she moves towards him slowly, her hand still gripping the front of his shirt. She stops suddenly just short of her lips actually touching his, and waits to see if he will close the remaining space between them.


	4. 4

The next day she’s feeling slightly better. She feels a bit stronger and the pain has reduced quite a bit. She manages to eat her breakfast and even makes an attempt to get out of bed. Mo had caught her though and had told her in no uncertain terms not to try that again. If she wanted to get up she had to call someone in to assist her. She hates being helpless and lets Mo know she’s not pleased by scowling at her. She’s pretty sure she could walk to the chair without help.

Fletch and Petrenko had been in for rounds and to take her obs shortly after. She’d watched Fletch carefully throughout for any indication of how he felt about what had happened last night but he’d remained totally professional and friendly and she’d struggled to discern any noticeable clues as to how he might be feeling about it. She found it frustrating to say the least. First he’d ignored her ‘I love you’ now he was ignoring the fact that she’d kissed him last night. He had been behaving totally normally all morning. It was as if nothing had happened at all. She assumes he must be giving her some latitude and not reading too much into her actions. She’s clearly dare she say it, emotional right now, had nearly died and was on so much medication he probably feels she’s lost her marbles or at the very least that she is suffering from a drug induced stupor. She can kind of see how it must look, understands that he isn’t willing to take a chance right now given her current situation. Her current situation of course being her laying in a hospital bed looking half dead in a stupid hospital gown, sporting a fresh scar down her chest, apparently too weak to stand on her own two feet and barely able to keep herself awake for more than a few hours at time. She laughs to herself. It’s not exactly the most romantic circumstance for a seduction. He is probably worried that as soon as she’s healed and the drugs have worn off she’ll change her mind again. He had kissed her back though but she’s unsure if it was because he wanted to give her what she had needed in the moment or because he just couldn’t help himself. She hopes it was the latter.

She remembers feeling his breath ghosting across her lips, before he’d pulled back from her slightly and in her heightened state of awareness she’d noticed his withdrawal immediately and disappointment had struck her a vicious blow. He’d only managed to pull back about an inch though before she had noticed his demeanour change and suddenly he was pulling her towards him and was coaxing her mouth open with his lips. She’d responded immediately and the kiss had been slow, gentle and exactly what she had needed. She smiles at the memory. There hadn’t really been much conversation after that. When he eventually pulled away he had gently pushed her back towards the mattress and had told her to get some sleep as it was late. He had left the room seconds later only glancing back towards her once more as he’d reached the door and said goodnight.

It would probably have been easier if she just told him that she’d made a mistake, that she wants him, that she loves him, needs him. She’s pretty sure telling him any one of those things would be a good start but she knows when it comes right down to it she couldn’t guarantee that those are the words that would pass her lips. Besides, when had she ever picked the easy route.

She’s brought out of her thoughts when Sacha enters the room, dragging behind him a small suitcase which he unceremoniously picks up and places on the bed next to her.

“Ta-da!” He exclaims and gestures with his hands for her to open it. He is smiling broadly and she can’t help but smile back, his excitement is heartwarming and contagious. She unzips the suitcase and opens it to find it filled with her belongings. Clothes, some toiletries, clean underwear and even her own tooth brush and toothpaste. She feels her eyes prickle and tears begin to well up and fill her vision. Maybe emotional wasn’t the right word for it. She was bordering on being a wreck.

She’s touched by his thoughtfulness and reaches out to hug him fiercely.

“Thank you.” She tells him.

He squeezes her back just as tightly. The quiet is broken by the sound of his pager but he ignores it.

“I’m here when you want to talk.” He tells her pulling back.

“I know.” She responds. She’s not sure she’ll ever want to talk about it.

“I’ve gotta go. I’ve got Emma tonight fancy a visit first thing tomorrow?” His voice is soft and encouraging, he clearly wants her to say yes.

She nods. She wants to see Emma. She’s always found it difficult to be away from her. He zips the suitcase back up before moving it off the bed and ensuring it’s out of the way. He then bends over the bed rail and gives her a quick kiss on the forehead before leaving.

She reads the newspaper on her iPad until Fletch pops back in. It’s lunch time and he is carrying a white paper bag which she instantly recognises from Pulses. He plops himself down in the chair next to her bed and offers her a grin.

“Thought you might like something different for lunch today.” He tells her while holding the bag up and almost dangling it at her.

“Chicken salad?” She asks him smiling hopefully at him. She really wouldn’t mind something tasty for lunch.

“Could be.” He tells her and hands her the bag.

She opens it enthusiastically and finds exactly what she was hoping for plus a chocolate brownie.

“The brownie’s a nice touch.” She’s grinning herself now. “Thanks.” She finds herself holding his gaze for a few seconds longer than necessary but he diverts his eyes away from her when he starts talking again.

“Look I’m off work for the rest of the week…” he stops mid sentence when he sees the concerned look she shoots him. “Everything’s okay. I’m just tired and I need a break. Just give me a call if you need anything okay?”

She nods at him in response. She’s surprised he is taking time off. He is usually about as bad as she is at taking holiday.

“Don’t tell her I told you but I heard Mo saying you might be well enough to be discharged by Friday.”

“I’m looking forward to going home.” She tells him quietly and she really is, she can’t wait to be in her own house and sleep in her own bed. As much as she loves Holby she much prefers to be here as a surgeon rather than as a patient.

“I’ve gotta get back to work. Enjoy your lunch.” He smiles at her as he gets up and she follows him with her eyes as he leaves the room.

She tucks into her salad once he is gone. She knows the whole Gaskell situation must have been rough on him. She had been unconscious throughout most of it whereas he and Sacha had been left to pick up the pieces, do their day jobs and care for her daughter. She’s sure it would have been a lot for anyone to cope with, and she doesn’t begrudge him the break at all. If anyone deserves it he does.

She just can’t help the small nagging feeling in the back of her mind that is telling her that maybe he is trying to avoid her.

It was going to be a long week.


	5. 5

See notes at the bottom.

She'd finally arrived home after spending just over three weeks in the hospital. She's feeling more like herself and her new scar is healing nicely. It was still red but it had fully healed over. Sacha had dropped her off and made sure she was settled before returning to work to do a late shift. She knew he'd be calling all evening whenever he could to check up on her. Emma was with Fletch at his house even though he was off work he'd still continued to have Emma anytime Sacha was unavailable. Sacha had told her that he'd organized with him to drop Emma over as soon as he could. It was late already though, she hadn't managed to leave the hospital until nearly 5pm. Waiting for someone to actually come and discharge her had taken hours. They'd had to do one final check over before they'd let her leave. She was glad to be home. She'd walked around her house just grateful to be there. Grateful to be alive.

She potters in the kitchen for a while before deciding to make herself a cup of tea. Once it's ready she heads to the living room, turns the tv on and places her tea on the coffee table before she flops down heavily on to her sofa. She sighs with contentment. The last few days she'd spent in hospital had been beyond boring. She had pretty quickly started to spend more time awake than asleep and the days seemed to drag on endlessly. The nurses fussing over her had become annoying too and she'd started to send them away as soon as she was certain she could do things for herself. She'd even taken a walk to the nurses station and had started glancing through Darwin's patients files to keep herself occupied. As soon as Mo had spotted her she ushered her back to her room. Mo had then broached the topic of discharging her. She was awake, almost pain free and clearly able bodied enough to take care of herself. She'd eagerly agreed and she was released less than twenty four hours later. She's sure if Fletch had been about during her last few days on the ward it would have been more tolerable. She'd heard from him by text a couple of times either asking how she was or to relay information about Emma but that was it.

She hears the doorbell ring and it shocks her out of her thoughts. She gets up to answer it.

When she opens the door she finds Fletch on her doorstep with a sleeping Emma hugged to one side of his body, her head on his shoulder. She gives him a warm smile as a greeting and takes a moment to really take in the sight before her. It had only been a few days since she'd last seen him but it feels like much longer. Each day in hospital had felt like a week.

"Hi." She whispers as she opens the door wide to allow him to come in.

"Hi." He replies also in a whisper. "Where's her bedroom?"

She points upstairs but then walks in front of him to show him the way. It feels a bit odd to have him in her house. Despite their close friendship over the last year he'd never visited her at home before. She glances back over her shoulder and notices him taking in his surroundings. When she catches his eye she raises her eyebrows at him.

"It's very you." He tells her softly with a small smile and she can't help but let out a quiet laugh at his assessment of her home even though he really hadn't seen very much of it.

She watches him from the doorway as he places Emma in her bed and her heart swells at the sight. He is gentle and careful not to disturb her. When he stands up he makes a face that could only be described as smug. He was clearly very pleased with himself for not waking Emma. He turns slowly and walks with gentle footsteps back towards the door, something he is obviously used to doing. As he exits Emma's room she closes the door.

"Thanks." She says still in a whisper as she heads back towards the stairs.

She's suddenly very aware that this might be the last time she sees him for a while. She won't be back at work for a few weeks and she doesn't really have an excuse to invite him over for any reason.

"Do you want something to drink? Tea? Coffee?" She asks him, trying to give him an excuse to stay and talk to her for a while. She tries to keep her tone casual but she can't quite wipe the hint of hopefulness from her voice.

"Thanks, but I should be getting back." He smiles slightly but shakes his head and starts to walk towards her.

"I'll walk you out." She tells him as she turns away from him to head back down the stairs. That little niggling feeling that he was avoiding her was making itself known again. She takes a breath and shakes it off.

She grasps the door latch in her hand and turns it. She's disappointed that he turned down the drink and she's filled with a sudden urgency to do something to change the status quo between them. She lets go of the door and turns towards him to catch his eyes. He holds her gaze so she braves a step toward him. When he doesn't move away she leans in to kiss him. Just as her lips touch his she feels his hands on her shoulders and he gently takes a step back to put some distance between them. She feels rejected.

"Jac, Are you feeling alright?" He asks his tone containing hints of annoyance. She's confused by the question but she doesn't get the chance to answer before he asks another one.

"Any bumps to the head recently?" She's not sure if he's being serious or whether he is trying to wind her up but she shakes her head anyway to answer him.

"Accidentally taken too many pain pills?" She puffs out a laugh at the accusation and rolls her eyes.

"Then what's going on, because this isn't exactly your erm usual behaviour?" His voice is slightly raised and laced with some anger. She's taken aback and hadn't realised how much her recent actions had been confusing him. She's not sure why he seems angry at her though. She'd have thought he would have gotten the message by now.

"I'm sorry. I thought you…" She takes a breath and tries to calm her nerves. She casts her eyes away from him and focuses on one of the pictures on her hallway wall. She instinctively moves a step backwards out of his space until she feels the solid wall touch her back.

"You thought what?" He turns away from her like he wants to pace but finds a wall directly in front of him. Her hallway isn't exactly spacious. He seems to have no choice but to turn back around and face her again.

She keeps her eyes diverted away from him. She doesn't know what to say. She doesn't even know how she had intended to finish her sentence. I thought you wanted me? I thought you felt the same way I do! I thought…

"You thought I wanted what? A quick fumble? Then what?" He asks her and she can feel his frustration. "All the reasons you gave me just a few weeks ago haven't gone away. They'll all still be there tomorrow." He tells her his voice softening a bit towards the end as he seems to run out of steam. She braves a glance towards him and notices his attention on the front door. She guesses he wants nothing more than to get out of there as quickly as possible.

She's shocked at how badly he has misinterpreted what she had wanted. She shakes her head but his attention is still on the door. She sees his hand dart towards the doors latch and she knows he is about the leave. He twists the lock quickly and manages to pull the door open a couple of inches before she reaches for it and slams it back shut. It's his turn to be taken aback and he looks towards her questioningly.

"And you think that's what I wanted?" She asks him in a hushed but angry tone. She really doesn't want to wake up Emma.

"I have no idea what you want. I've never claimed to know what you want. All I know is what you told me. You didn't want this. Us." He replies mimicking the volume of her voice. His hands gesturing back and forth between them to make his point. He clearly doesn't want to disturb Emma either.

She feels her anger dissipate at his words and she understands his reluctance to let her get close to him again. She'd hurt him. It hadn't been her intention but it had happened anyway. She'd tried her best to be as honest and as sensitive as possible, something she wouldn't do for just anybody, and had even admitted that there was something between them but all he'd really gotten from the whole conversation was that she didn't want him. The reasons she'd given didn't even matter to him. He seems to have just seen them as excuses and yet in spite of it all he'd still stuck around to be her friend. A good friend.

She'd clearly been lost in her own thoughts too long because his hand was moving back towards the latch again, turning the lock and pulling the door open. She knew if she didn't do something now she wouldn't see him the entire duration of her remaining sick leave and then by the time she returned to Darwin the whole thing would be forgotten or rather brushed under the carpet and never mentioned again.

She quickly grabs his arm and gently tugs it away from the door, but he shrugs her off and shakes his head. He takes a step backwards away from her at the same time and they both sigh loudly in frustration, almost simultaneously.

"Fletch." Her voice cracks and she has no idea what else she can do so she moves out of his way to allow him to leave.

*Bit angsty but I didn't want to let Jac off the hook too easily! It’ll be a few days before I can update the next bit. 


	6. 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Contains smut but not overly explicit.

Final chapter! This one somehow turned a bit smutty! :s

“I told you I loved you.” She tells him in a whisper the words spilling from her lips just as he is about to step over the threshold to leave. It’s a wild card and she feels terrified that she’s opening herself up too much.

He freezes. The door is wide open and she can feel the cold winter air rushing in. He must feel it too because he slowly closes it again before turning around and facing her. He is clearly surprised by her admittance.

“Yeah.” He tells her looking almost guiltily away from her. She waits for him to say something further but he doesn’t. He seems to be a bit lost in his own thoughts.

“And that means nothing to you?” She asks him shocked that he thought so little of her declaration. She can feel anger starting to boil up inside her again.

“Jac, I don’t know what you remember but you also told me to bring you a doughnut and change the brake pads on your car. You were semi conscious at best.”

She laughs in spite of herself. She has no recollection of that at all.

“You also might have told Petrenko you were cat woman.” He tells her unable to hold back a grin.

She doesn’t know if he is actually being truthful with the last one but she laughs anyway. It also makes her wonder what else she might have let slip while semi conscious. She realises he just hadn’t taken her declaration seriously. He had probably thought she didn’t even remember it so he’d never brought it up. She isn’t really able to dispute his rationale.

“I kissed you.” She tells him next. Her voice far softer than it had been previously. She almost feels like she’s trying to convince him she was being serious. She wasn’t trying to mess him about and she definitely wasn’t looking for a quick ‘fumble’.

“Er.. you were high as a kite.” He answers her quickly. It was clear he’d considered the situation careful himself and had taken the decision that ignoring it was in her best interests considering how many drugs she’d been on.

“You kissed me back.” She retorts.

“Yeah.” He answers her while bringing his hand to his face and he scrubs his eyes. When he focuses his eyes back on hers she can see guilt in them. The last thing she’d wanted was to make him feel guilty for kissing her. All she had wanted was to point out that it had seemed to her that he had wanted her as much as she wanted him.

She tilts her head to one side and throws him a look that she hopes offers him forgiveness, not that she needs to offer it because in her book he’d done exactly what she had wanted, needed even. What she hopes they had both wanted.

They both stare at each other until the silence becomes almost awkward. She looks away first. Glances around her hallway for a few seconds. She has one more card to play but she’s nervous as his rejection only minutes earlier still stings. She takes a deep breath.

“Well… I’m not semi conscious now. No serious head injuries that I’m aware of and the only drugs in my body are the paracetamol I took this morning.” She tells him answering all of his earlier questions almost in one breath. She’s trying to tell him that when she’d tried to kiss him just a few minutes ago, it was all her. There was nothing else influencing her decision.

He sucks in a breath as it finally dawns on him what she’d just said. His eyebrows raise a bit in surprise but he doesn’t say anything. They end up in another staring match neither moving from their respective spots in her hallway. They are only a couple of feet apart but she’s definitely not willing to move first again now that she’d pretty much laid it all out for him. She can’t risk another rejection.

He glances away down her hallway but his eyes almost immediately return to hers. She sighs and looks away. She’s starting to feel stupid and she begins to wish he’d just open the door and leave. She suddenly feels a hand grasp her wrist, she hadn’t even realised he’d moved. Then she’s being pulled towards him and his mouth finds hers seconds later. She’s shocked and her mouth opens in surprise. He releases her wrist and both of his hands find her waist. He kisses her bottom lip softly until he feels her start to respond. As soon as she does she feels his tongue slip past her lips to tangle with her own. She grips his shoulders and feels the material of his winter coat under her fingers. She wraps her arms up around him and deepens the kiss. She feels his hands slide down to her hips and he pulls her flush against him before he nudges her backwards towards the wall. She’s starting to feel overwhelmed. The good kind of overwhelmed. She can feel her heart hammering in her chest and she can hear the blood rushing through her ears. It feels like an entire year of built up sexual tension is being released into one kiss and her body is starting to hum.

She pushes herself into him so she can move him in the general direction of her bedroom but he seems to have other ideas and they end up moving sort of aimlessly down her hallway. Her hip hits the sideboard and the jolt causes their lips to separate. His hand immediately moves to caress the spot and he rubs it vigorously to sooth any pain she might be feeling. It hadn’t hurt and she’s touched by his sweetness but thinks it makes sense. He has been trying to take care of her from pretty much his first day on Darwin. She brings her lips back to his and he starts walking again. She assumes he is heading for the living room but then he is pressing her against the sideboard. He grips her hips and encourages her with his hands to move backwards to sit on it. It’s a few inches too high for her to just sit on though so she untangles her arms from around him and puts her hands onto the sideboard behind her. One hand lands on a pile of papers which she knows is three weeks worth of unopened mail. She’d spotted them earlier when she’d arrived home and had assumed Sacha had placed them there for her. She’s swipes them to the side and she hears the entire pile scatter to to the ground. Fletch grips her hips and they both work together to get her on top of the sideboard without breaking their kiss. Once she’s settled she immediately grabs him by the coat to pull his body back into hers, parting her legs so that he can stand between them. She needs to breathe so pulls back and gasps in a few breaths. He takes the opportunity to bury his face in her neck and she can hear him breathing just as hard. When his breathing evens out he starts to lay opened mouth kisses on her neck and she instantly tilts her head to the side to give him better access. He slowly work his way back up to her mouth placing a trail of kisses on her jaw and cheek before he gets there. She can already feel the wetness beginning to pool between her legs.

She runs her hands up the front of his coat to find the zip puller. Her fingers find it just over halfway up his chest and she tugs it down in one smooth motion and pushes his coat from his shoulders. He removes his hands from her body just long enough for the coat to fall to the floor. She immediately starts working on his shirt buttons. He must have taken his cue from her because when his hands return to her body he immediately works them up under her t-shirt and she feels his hands exploring her bare skin, his hands gently palming her breasts carefully avoiding her new scar. He bunches her t-shirt up to her ribs but can’t seem to pull away from the kiss long enough to pull it over her head. From the frantic way they are both behaving she knows this isn’t going to last long. She finishes undoing the final button on his shirt and groans in frustration when she finds he is wearing a t-shirt underneath. He pulls his mouth from hers and catches her eyes and they both smile, her groan had clearly amused him. She lifts her arms up and he finally pulls her top over her head and flings it somewhere behind him. He must take pity on her as he shrugs out of his own shirt and pulls his own t-shirt up and over his head and it unceremoniously joins hers somewhere behind him. She reaches for him so she can finally touch him without the barrier of clothes between them. She runs her hands up his chest, over his stomach and eventually round to his back. She’s kicking herself for having waited this long to finally do this. She kisses his shoulder and jaw and pretty much anywhere else she can reach with her mouth.

Her hands find his belt and she unbuckles it quickly and pops the button of his trousers, before moving her hand inside to find his erection. As soon as she touches him he stops what he is doing and buries his face in her neck to muffle his own groan. She can’t help but smile at his reaction. She wraps her hand around him so she can give him a few strokes, his moan telling her he is clearly enjoying it. She grasps him more firmly and begins to pick up her pace.

“Too much.” He tells her in another groan and she pulls her hand away. She knows exactly what he means. It’s too much but not enough and she figures there’ll be time later to slow things down and explore, but right now she just wants him. She moves her hands back to him to push his trousers and boxers down. They pool around his ankles and he moves back a bit to kick out of his shoes and step out of the trousers.

When he moves back towards her he grips the waist band of her yoga pants and hooks a thumb over the edge on each side. She lifts her hips as much as her position allows and he pulls them down taking her underwear with them. She shakes one leg a bit to free herself when the bottoms get trapped around her ankle. He grasps her hips and tugs her gently right to the edge of the sideboard. He kisses her again as his fingers find her centre and he pushes one inside of her. She moans at the welcome intrusion. Her voice muffled by his mouth. He soon adds a second and his thumb finds her clit. She’s practically moaning on every thrust after that so he keeps his lips sealed around hers to muffle the sound. She’s grateful, the last thing she wants right now is for Emma to be disturbed by their noise. She pulls her mouth from him.

“Fletch.” She whispers but it’s practically another moan.

He gets the message and he slowly slides his fingers out.

He nudges her legs further apart and then guides himself towards her centre. She wraps her arms around his shoulders and kisses him. He chooses then to slide all the way in and they both gasp at the sensation. He stills, giving her time to adjust and he kisses her fully on mouth before he starts moving. She squeezes his hips with her thighs and hooks her legs around him as much as possible. He starts to pick up the pace just a few minutes later and then it’s not long before she’s panting and moaning into his shoulder. A few minutes after that and she’s coming apart around him. His movements become frantic as he feels her orgasm hit and he follows her over the edge with a groan that sort of sounds like her name.

He pulls out as he starts to go soft and she sighs at the loss. He quickly grabs his boxers which were still hooked around one of his ankles and he pulls them back on. She’s expecting him to pull away completely now to get redressed but he surprises her by moving back into his previous position and wrapping his arms around her. She moves her arms up over his shoulders and squeezes him back just as tightly. They stay tangled together for long minutes just touching and kissing each other until his voice suddenly breaks the silence.

“Oh hang on a minute. You meant it.” He pulls back from her suddenly and looks at her with genuine surprise.

“Meant what? “ She asks him as if she doesn’t know at all what he is referring too. She does though.

“You love me.” He tells her pointedly and she rolls her eyes. “You do.” He insists.

“Oh god.” She exclaims, but she’s half smiling at his surprise and she’s shocked it had taken him this long to figure it out considering how well he knows her. “I was semi conscious at best.” She reminds him but there’s laughter filling her voice and he chuckles.

“You love me. Come on say it! You know you want too.” She can see the laughter in his eyes and she knows he is taking the piss.

“Fletch….” She says looking at him really seriously. “Shut up.” That doesn’t seem to work either as he just chuckles even louder. She rolls her eyes again before pulling him into a kiss to silence him.


End file.
